Avoiding the Blame Game

When couples come into my office to work on improving their relationship they usually start by talking about what their partner does that infuriates them. Often they spend time telling about incidents that have happened between them and looking to me to say they are right (they usually don't want to hear when they are wrong). What they are really doing is focusing on the faults of their partner to justify their actions and reactions and usually they feel that if their mate would only change then the relationship would be good and they would both be happy.

Unfortunately this only leads to bad feelings that continue to escalate and fester. Blame is often the number one culprit in unhappy marriages.

WHAT IS BLAME

When we blame we place responsibility for our bad feelings and upsets on another person or object.

If you stub your toe on the door perhaps you kick it, pound on it it, or maybe you yell, swear and scream at it. (Needless to say, this piece of wood couldn't care less about our response.)

At other times, an individual may say or do things in ways we find upsetting.

For example, your child gets into trouble and your mate says,

"It's YOUR fault she acts that way because you never tell him/her no! YOU don't set limits!"

You feel defensive and say,

"No, it's YOUR fault! I don't set limits any more because YOU always undermine me!"

And then he says,

"Oh, I know, it's always MY fault--you never do anything wrong. All you can do is blame. Heaven forbid you actually deal with the problem!"

Let's examine what has happened in this example.

• First, the main issue (the child's behavior) is long lost in the maze of blame.
• Second, blame and defensiveness has sidetracked the couple from expressing their feelings of helplessness that the child seems out of control, fears that their child will grow up to be irresponsible, and disappointment that they feel so inadequate.
• Third, they are now angry at each other, and saddled with two conflicts instead of one: Their child's acting out problem, and their own inability to resolve conflict.
  NOTE: We all will be faced with a multitude of conflicts. However, you will get nowhere with any of them, unless you deal with one conflict at a time.
• Fourth, the child has effectively split the parents so that they are now working against each other, effectively ignoring the child. As a consequence, the child's anxiety rises in the face of the parental arguing and the acting out escalates. As the problem gets worse instead of better the couple responds with more blame and frustration, and the cycle repeats. Blame is not the problem, but the presence of blame inhibits the family from dealing with the real issues and solving problems. Blame creates a negative "I'm right and you're wrong"

WHAT BLAME DOES

1. Blame focuses responsibility on your partner, not on the problem.
2. Blame attempts to answer the question: "WHO did it" rather than " WHAT do we do about it?"
3. Blame implies the desire to punish.
4. Focusing on blame misses the opportunity to resolve the conflict.
5. Blame assumes that one is responsible and the other is not.
6. Blame prolongs the conflict.

WHAT TO DO INSTEAD OF BLAMING

1. Calmly bring up what the REAL ISSUE seems to be, as you see it.
2. If you aren't sure what the real issue is, ask the other to help you determine it. When people feel asked to help, there is a greater tendency toward cooperation, it feels less intimidating, and is often appreciated.
3. When you feel blamed, that doesn't necessarily mean you are actually being blamed, so check it out. Also, express that you feel blamed, and request that you would appreciate it if what was said could be said again, in a way that is easier to hear.
4. Take responsibility for your role in what has happened. This leaves the other not feeling blamed and, therefore, not defensive. It also focuses on the issue, not on the other person in a blaming way.
5. Relay to your partner your rendition of the following: "I can see we both want to blame each other for this. For now let's just take one issue at a time, and when we've solved it (the acting out of the child) we can come back to what it is we blame each other for, and discuss those issues one at a time."

If the two of you feel compelled to ignore the prospect of resolving the conflict then blame is the perfect vehicle (although certainly not the only one) for transporting you on a journey of endless conflict.

I am often asked: "But, what if what I'm blaming him/her for is true?" It often happens that the placement of blame is accurate. But, that does not mean that it will necessarily be helpful in resolving the conflict.

Another option couples would be wise to consider when they are blamed is to try accepting it. If you do, you might be surprised at the results. The blaming will stop with you, and you may then become instantly aware of some of the important elements of the conflict that need to be addressed. Now the focus is back on the issue and away from the blame.