Are You Too Angry?
Things To Know

Anger is a natural emotion that everyone experiences. Anger like other emotions becomes problematic when we express it in inappropriate ways or try to hide it away. Anger can be a reaction to a real or imagined threat, or it can be an attempt to control someone else using negative behavior. When we get frustrated by situations beyond our control, when we have unrealistic expectations that are not met, or unresolved issues that get triggered, anger can erupt. Our anger can be expressed in direct ways like hostility and aggression or indirect ways, as in withdrawal, sarcasm or passive aggression. Either way is harmful to our relationships and to our health.

1. Things You Can Do

   Anger usually floats on top of fear. Usually this fear stems from out of control feelings, not being "in charge" of others or ourselves, or a fear of loss. When this happens we sometimes try to control outwardly through negative anger expression. Learning to control our fear is the first step to controlling our anger and identifying our fear is the first step toward control. When you feel out of control, ask yourself, "What am I afraid of?" It may take some practice to answer this question fully, but once you can identify the core fear, you can reduce your anxiety.

2. Work On Yourself

   Take care of and nurture yourself. Focus on your positive attributes and successes. The better you feel about yourself the less you will need to control others. Find a way to lower the stress in your life. Meditation works for some. For others, a bike ride, or just some time alone.

3. Learn To Take "Time Out."

   When you feel that you are getting angry take a "Time out," to get back on track. During time out, use positive self-statements to gain perspective on the situation. Ask yourself:

   "Am I making too much of this situation?"
   "What am I afraid of in this situation?"
   "Am I too focused on being right?"
   "How can I "let go" of my position?

4. Keep an Anger Journal

   Each time you feel angry take a moment to write down your feelings and thoughts about your reactions. If you have had an angry incident explore other ways you might have responded more appropriately. Good communication includes 3 basic goals;

   1. You talk about your feelings
   2. You talk about the other person's feelings
   3. You speak and act in a respectful manner

   Writing down what you want to say is also a good way to prepare for communication.

5. Avoid Should's

   If you set overly tight boundaries for yourself and others by constant judging or unrealistic expectations of how people or situations "should" be then you can expect more upset and anger in your life.

   Examples:

   "She should be respectful."
   "My Children should always behave properly."
   "People should always treat others with fairness."
   "When I assign jobs, she should complete it right away."
   "He should show me more respect. After all, I'm his superior. I deserve it."

   Learn to let go of judgments and take care of yourself. After all, the only person you can change is you.

6. Set Realistic Goals

   Promises and wishing to be different rarely change behavior. It takes a lot of work and is rarely easy. If you set your goals too high you may not have good results right away. Being a perfectionist is a set up for failure and for becoming even more angry and frustrated. Set realistic goals. Go easy on yourself. Even if you are just taking baby steps pat yourself on the back for making progress.